Vomitsaurus Rex

So the past few weeks, I have ben throwing up every morning. EWWWWW. And for no good reason. No drinking to the point where I should be puking, no excessive eating, I’m not sick (physically anyway. heh) AND OMB NO I’M NOT PREGNANT!!!! And keep in mind that I HAAAAAAATTTTEEEEEEE to puke. I realize 99% of the people out there hate to puke, but I REALLY hate to puke. So much so that when I was a child and struck down with some malady, I would lay perfectly still for hours so as not to erupt. I know, I know, if you just get it out of your body, you’ll feel better. I know this, but still don’t care. Puking is just so....shudder. It’s not necessarily the vomit itself that bothers me. Let’s face it, I have 3 kids and have had numerous pets over the years. I can catch a kids puke in my hands, wash it off, then console said kid. No biggie. I’ve cleaned more vomit off my floors than I care to think about....not my favorite thing to do, but again, not the end of the world. 

I think part of the reason that I so despise it is because I’m in no way, shape, or form a “clean” puker. My son, he’s a champ. Go in, cough once or twice, commence vomiting, flush, wash up and Viola...Done! Part of the reason for this is that he suffered from horrible motion sickness until he was about 11. He got used to throwing up in such an elegant way that we barely even noticed until a puke bag was thrown out at a rest stop. Me...not so much. It goes something like this...

Get clammy

Feel tingly

Wonder why I feel so weird

Immediately think someone spiked my drink

Remember that I haven’t left the house in three days

Wonder why I feel so weird

Start to feel the saliva in my mouth build up

Realize like a hammer in my face what’s about to happen

Say lots of very bad words

Hold very very still

Hope the evil vomit demon from hell will not notice me because I’m so still

No dice

Run to the bathroom

Sweat, moan, say nononononononono, try to make a deal with god

Feel my mouth get all weird feeling

Moan

Start the horrible retching

(I told you I’m not a good puker)

Freak out everyone in my house with all the racket I’m making

Animals run and hide

Wretch for what seems like forever

Finally “there she blows” (heh)

Gasp, pant, moan, cry, shake, rinse, repeat

More moaning, get the chills, more crying, shake shake shake

Crawl to bed, collapse and wish for death to come quickly

I have NO IDEA how these bulimic people do this. So anyway....these past few weeks it’s been a little different. I don’t feel crappy. I’m usually getting ready for work when all of a sudden....BAM! I have to vomit. I do my business, brush teeth and commence my day. It’s weird for me not to be a sweaty, shaking, crying, moaning ball of disaster after throwing up. Not that I’m complaining. I assume it’s all the stress in my life that’s causing this. Hopefully, as time goes on this gross obnoxious part of my morning routine will stop. 

Because puking...SHUDDER