I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and she said something interesting that I have been pondering all day. She made the simple statement "you've had a really shitty 4 years". And she's right. A LARGE part of the past 4 years have completely sucked donkey balls. Ex-asshole cheats then proceeds to blame me and verbally, financially and sexually abuse me. I lost a dear dear person to leukemia. He was my best friends son and was only 10. (more on that later). One month after this I FINALLY kicked the ex-asshole out. Got fired from one job one month after kicking ex-asshole out, for being, and I quote "too sad".  Got a new job. Moved out of the marital home so ex-asshole and his girlfriend could move in. Got divorced. Continued to take battering from ex. In December of 2008 I met the love of my life. The ex-asshole BLEW HIS FREAKING LID. Much harassment, battering, and belittling. Court battles. Got laid off from another job for financial reasons. Was unemployed for 10 months. The court battles raged on. FINALLY got some peace. Then my beloved fiance died in my arms 2 days after Thanksgiving. Due to circumstances surrounding his death (more on that later), the ex-asshole decided to try to take the kids away from me. FAILED! I'm kinda bitter.  So yeah...had a really shitty few years.

HOWEVER....in spite of this crappy hand I have been dealt, I try hard not to be the VICTIM. I don't always succeed mind you. And sometimes I fail miserably. But for the most part I'm doing okay. I try daily to remind myself of all the good that has come out of the last 4 years. First and foremost is I have seen the absolute best in humanity. People are so unfailingly kind. I have amazing (AMAZING!!) friends. My support system is strong and unbreakable. People I barely know as well as complete strangers have reached out to me and held me up when I needed it.

My relationship with my kids has changed dramatically because of the situations I find myself in. I think this is a good thing. They have witnessed a lot of hardships in life and have learned how to deal with them. I try very hard to be a good example. I cry when I need to but not to excess. I'm depressed occasionally and happy a lot around them. They know it's okay to not only have emotions but to express them. I think this is very important. Their dad has turned into the "Disneyland dad". Meaning they do fun things together and he spends lots of money on them, but there is no real substance. When they are at his house, they mostly stay in their rooms or watch TV. They don't cuddle or talk to him. They always want to stay with me even though I'm too broke to take them out much. I'm their anchor. I firmly believe this is a direct result of what we have been through together.

One of the most important things I've learned is that while I try not to be the victim, it's okay to ask for help when I need it. This is a very valuable lesson. Like most people, I tried to deal with shit on my own.  This does not work. People want to help. It's a very freeing feeling when you reach the point where you not only accept offers of help, but are able to ask for it when necessary. I think this is a sign of maturity and confidence. Believe me...it took me a LONG time to get here. Part of this has to do with all the incredible people in my life. But it says something about me that I have surrounded myself with such incredible people.

So while I agree with my mom that I have had a shitty 4 years, I have also had a great 4 years for very different reasons. I just need to keep my head up and keep it in perspective.