ooooops

I meant the Grammys....cause you know I live in a cave

My Gay Husband

Okay... I have a long luuuurvly post about half done. My plan was to finish it but my gay husband just called and demanded that I shower up my nasty self and we are going out for a drinky-poo. So he wins. I swear I would never leave this damn house if it wasn't for my Gay. I luuuuuurves him. We'll probably come back to my house after and drink cheap wine and make fun of the Oscars. Shut up...you know you're jealous.

Holy Hell

I'm freaking out you guys. I have court tomorrow against Fuck Face because he just.can't.let.it.go. He's taken me to court numerous times before, and those were always nerve wracking events because I still have a terrible visceral reaction to him. (My therapist assures me that this is totally normal for someone with PTSD). In the past though, Beloved Fiance' was always there to help me through. He would celebrate with me if we won and help me hold my shit together if we lost (stupid stupid older than shit judge)! But of course, he's NOT here this time and I am an absolute fucking wreck. I've got 2 good friends coming with me thank Bob!

My lawyer seems confident but he's kind of a schmuck at times so who knows. I know I'm making myself sick but I can't seem to stop. I have been shaking all day. I'll let ya'll know what happens tomorrow. In the mean time purdy purdy please send me all the good mojo you can. Kthxbai!

Cancer is Bullshit

Cancer is Bullshit...enough said.

P.S. I miss you sweet boy and I love you crazy water ballet doing uncle! I think about you every day

Skittles and Pointy

I have 2 dogs. They are stupid dogs. Both of em. They are very sweet and loyal and loving and all that shit, but WOW...dumb. 

One of them is a beautiful Australian Shepard. We’ll call her Skittles. She was given to me by my best friend because she’s got Skittles’ mom and grandmom. She is so freaking neurotic it’s ALMOST funny if it weren’t so damn annoying. She honks...that’s right....HONKS. We frequently call her the goat-goose-cat-dog because she really is a hybrid of all those creatures. The good news is she’s highly entertaining. She’s super cute though and we all love her when we don’t want to feed her to the vultures. 

The second dog is...Pointy. I’m going to call him Pointy here because he is. He’s a doberman/german pincher thing. He’s a sweet sweet dog. Beloved Fiance’ and I went to humane society one day and with 10 minutes we were bringing this damn dog home. He’s very mean looking (except for his messed up ears) and sounding. He is, however, the biggest baby on the planet.  He’s got a long pointy snout, pointy knees and elbows, pointy ears, and pointy feet. He’s like a wet bag of sand when he flops down. Frequently cries of “OUCH......POINTY just laid on me again” are heard. He firmly and undeniably believes he is a lap dog. He is in fact, NOT a lap dog. He wakes me up every morning by sticking his cold pointy snout in may face, ears, mouth....whatever is available. It is not pleasant. 

Anyway, the point of all this rambling is that I have 2 very different looking, very dumb dogs and neither of them have tails. (It’s actually pretty funny when a friend comes over with her dog that HAS a tail. The cat is fascinated by it and follows visiting dog around like a lost...well...puppy.) They are both breeds that get their tails docked so they have nubs. Now I understand the whole tail docking thing. It was originally done to keep the dogs safe from external factors. In the case of herding dogs...no one wants their tail stepped on and potentially torn off by a stupid sheep. OUCH! And guard dogs are bad ass and need to look the part...I guess. The thought of the actual procedure is disturbing, but it is what it is (I’m very philosophical). 

Now most dogs chase their tails. It’s hilarious. Who hasn’t seen endless reels on America’s Funniest Home Videos of dogs chasing their tails round and round until they run into a wall or a pool or a coyote or something? Funny right?

A Few things:

So Pointy doesn’t have a tail.

He is a boy dog.

He would like to chase something round and round. 

He has a penis.

You see where I’m going with this....That's right....

POINTY CHASES HIS PENIS.

It’s so weird and disturbing and FUCKING HILARIOUS! And yes, he occasionally “catches” it and looks EXTREMELY surprised. EVEN FUNNIER. MY teenage daughter is horrified by his behavior and even more horrified by my reaction to it. She’s very self righteous at the moment. But COME ON! The damn stupid dog chases his penis and catches it!!! Comedy gold there. Sigh... dumb dogs. 

He also plays with rocks but that’s a story for another day. 

"Next of Kin" is Bullshit

Dear Beloved Fiancee's mother,

How fucking DARE you! How dare you cut me out of all of the funeral arrangements. How dare you ask for all his phone, car, business, etc account information so you can have YOUR FRIEND deal with it. I was his FIANCE’! He loved me. Was going to spend his life WITH ME! NOT his ex wife...who cheated on him no less than 8 times! That’s right...your sweet daughter in law, the mother of your only grandchild...is a sloppy fucking whore. Why the hell do you think he left her? Why do you think he didn’t want to live next door to you anymore and let her stay there instead? He was DONE WITH IT! 

You were so blind to the love we had for each other. You only saw what you wanted to see. You saw he and his ex and your grandson living all happily ever after in the house next to yours. Well guess what? It was all bullshit. He loved me. He had wanted to marry me quietly and not tell anyone until we had our springtime wedding. He wanted to go to the courthouse so we would be official. I said no...I wanted the ceremony to be special, to include the kids in our vows. I wanted to marry him in front of the world. To yell it from the rooftops! How I now regret that decision. If we had been married, I would have been next of kin. I would have made the arrangements, not you! 

 I had to beg you to allow me to come to the initial arrangement meeting. You said you had to think about it. I was heartbroken. You do know that your son, my beloved fiance’ died IN MY ARMS right? I had EVERY right to be there. You finally relented after your sister told you you were being a bitch (not her words). I showed up with my dad. I could barely stand. You brought your 2 friends, your sister (the only sane one) and her husband. You and your god dammed nosy ass friends sat at that conference table and yapped at each other , and over each other like a bunch of school girls. What cemetery, should he be buried under a tree, what about plots next to each other??? blah blah blah. 

With an encouraging squeeze from my dad’s hand to mine, I finally spoke up. He did not want to be buried. He told me when we went out east to see his dad’s grave that he never wanted to be buried. He wanted to be cremated. And he wanted his ashes spread at Nubble Light. He took me there ...to Nubble Light on that same trip. He had so many wonderful memories of you, and your sister, and your mom taking him there as a child.  He would go into the crevasses and look for crabs and other small creatures. His face absolutely lit up when he would talk about it. He told me a story about when his nana, your mom, took him there and he swam out WAAAAY too far. He was a strong swimmer even at 4. Nana had to yell and yell before he finally heard her and came swimming back. (Nana didn’t swim). We spent almost a whole day at Nubble Light. Me and him and our dog. It was wonderful. He went into the crevasses, caught crabs and other little creatures. The dog bounded on the beach. We walked hand in hand so much in love it almost hurt. We made love smelling the cool ocean air. 

After telling you this story, your sister (the only sane one) looked you dead in the eye and said this was the way it had to be done. I think you were overwhelmed at that point. We then proceeded to the casket/urn/picking shit out room...all 7 of us. I stayed in the background. I had said my peace and knew in the long run you would do whatever the hell you wanted. Your sister kept pulling me up by her and putting her arm around me. It was nice to feel as though at least she thought I was important. We got all the information and left. 

I broke down in my dads truck on the way home. I had never felt so shut out of anything in my life. Your half assed effort to include me was pure bullshit. I was angry and frustrated and so damn hurt....SO hurt. You went back to the funeral home the next day and made all the arrangements without me. Your sister had left to go home so your 2 friends went with you. I didn’t even know you went back. You didn’t say ONE GODDAMNED word to me until everything was arranged. Yes...you had decided to go with cremation and for that I was grateful. I knew I wasn’t going to get my way with anything else but at least I had fought and won for his wishes. I tried to tell myself that it was enough, that I was okay, but the truth was I was REALLY FUCKING PISSED. 

You decided to have him cremated after a short “private family” viewing. I’m glad you didn’t go with a full on visitation. You told me that the “private family” viewing for Beloved Fiance' started at 4:00. I got there at 3:50. You, his son,  your 2 friends, his ex wife, her new boyfriend, her son from her first marriage and HIS GIRLFRIEND, her parents, her brother and his wife had all been there for OVER AN HOUR!!!! The ONLY people that should have been there were you and his son. HOW DARE YOU! You lied to me. The only solace I have from that particular nightmare was that at least I was the last person to see him and say goodbye.

A few days after that was the memorial. You had decided to have it at the meeting room of a QUAKER CHURCH!!!! Did you not know your son AT ALL?!?? Really? A Quaker church? I know your best friend is a member there and all, but still! You told me how lovely the room was and that your friend would preside over the service, then everyone that wanted to could say a few words, or share a story about Beloved Fiance’. There would be a violin player. Huh? ...a what?...(crickets sounds). You told me how many people the room held. I told you there was no way that would be big enough. You said it surely would be. Okay...like I had any choice in the matter. Fucking “next of kin”. 

The day of the memorial, I woke up in a daze. I showered, got dressed, held my shit together as best as I could. You said to be at the Quaker church at 3. I was there at 2:45 and there were already dozens of people there. All your friends and co workers and neighbors, most of whom didn’t even know Beloved Fiance’. WTF? I wonder what time you told THEM to be there? 2:30 is my best guess. As soon as Beloved Fiancees “people” began to pour in, you realized I was right. There was no way everyone was going to fit in that stupid room. Duh. Stupid bitch. It felt like every thing you did was a deliberate act to shut me out. 

 The service, to be fair, was lovely (except the people standing out in the hall). Your friend that presided over the service thankfully did not say much, she simply guided it along. Although it was odd that she had her 4 year old daughter up there with her. No one wanted to be the first to speak so my wonderful father got up and shared a funny story about how a nice Italian boy should have asked him for his daughters hand in marriage before asking me. (never mind that I was 39 years old! haha) After the ice had been broken lots and lots of people spoke. It was glaringly obvious who knew Beloved Fiance' well (my people) and who didn’t know him or only knew him in passing (your people). It was odd that I sat next to his ex wife and her boyfriend in the front row. I belonged there, but the cheating whore? Really? I know their son was there next to her too, but he switched spots and sat snuggled against me almost the whole time. 

I hadn’t planned on saying anything at the memorial. I quite frankly didn’t think I’d have the strength. I woke up that morning and inspiration took over and I started typing. I wrote a long and lovely eulogy of Beloved Fiance'. There was not a dry eye in the place when I was finished. What I said was absolutely from the heart and everyone knew it. At one point after I spoke, his son looked up at his mom and asked if she was going to say anything. She replied quietly, but juuuuuust loud enough for the people around her to hear that she had written daddy a letter and she wanted to keep it private. She is such a fake bitch. I hate the fact that we look so much alike and are often mistaken for sisters or even twins (Beloved Fiance’ definitely had a “type”). 

Another highlight of the memorial was his cousin. There were close in age and close in heart. Beloved Fiance' often joked that he would never let us meet because we would get along too well and talk until we were blue and ignore him. Beautiful Cousin is a wonderful and strong woman. I never had the chance to meet her before his death, but we have become quite close since. It brings me no small amount of glee knowing how this chaps both your and his ex’s asses! Simply put, she’s awesome and you guys never knew what to make of her. The ex was jealous of their relationship which I find quite amusing. How stupid is that? They grew up together for cripes sake! I know she in particular HATES that Beautiful Cousin and I are now friends. At the memorial, it took poor Beautiful Cousin a couple of tries to read her eulogy. Once she found her strength and started, the whole place was captivated. It was beautiful. She spoke of their childhood together and the silly phrases they would use. She told everyone but most specifically YOU  that Beloved Fiance’ was happier during the last two years than he had been in a long, long time. That meant the world to me. You see, Beloved Fiancees mother, SHE was the only family member that actually KNEW him. They would often talk for hours. About her problems and happiness', about the stresses and good things in his life. She GOT him. They were very important to each other and you never saw that. It’s like you were blinded to any relationship he had with a woman that wasn’t the filthy whore ex daughter in law. It’s really very sad. 

After the memorial you had planned a get together at (where else) your friends home. You wanted me to come, so me and my two oldest kids and my best friend and her family went. My youngest had a breakdown at the memorial and went home with a dear friend of mine (not that you noticed). You told me how “comfortable” her home was, how “welcoming”.  Sure...yeah. Her home was filled with all your people. Co-workers, friends, neighbors. No one that actually KNEW Beloved Fiance’. I asked my teenage daughter to check the time and let me know when 20 minutes went by. We sat, had a snack, did not mingle. No one came up to me to offer their condolences. No one even looked me in the eye. It was awful. 20 minutes later I said goodbye to the only person I cared about that was there, Beautiful Cousin. We were all getting ready to leave and ran into you outside. You had JUST gotten there. You asked me under the guise of caring what I thought, if the service was okay with me. Like it mattered. You didn’t ask me before when it could have made a difference. I said it was FINE. And that’s all it was....FINE. I think yo were honestly shocked by my response. Your car was full of the flowers from the memorial. You did not offer me ONE goddamn bouquet. NOT ONE. I know it shouldn’t hurt, but it does, it really does. I said I had to get home to my other child and took off.

The relief from me and my kids was palpable. We were done with the bullshit part of the day. Thank whatever it is we thank! We went home to a rousing great party. THIS is where the real memorial to Beloved Fiance’ was! There were so many people in and out of my house that night. There was laughter and crying and drinking and eating and stories and songs and happiness and sadness. It was beautiful. It is EXACTLY what Beloved Fiance’ would have wanted. The only thing that would have made it better is if Beautiful Cousin could have come. Unfortunately, she was bound by “family obligation” to stay at your friends house. When the last people left at around 2:00 in the morning, I went to bed and cried and laughed all at the same time. I cried because of my lose. I laughed because it had been a wonderful evening. I cried because I wasn’t the bullshit “next of kin”, and I couldn’t give him the memorial he so deserved. I laughed because in the long run I did exactly that. 

I’m still mad at you Beloved Fiancee's mother. You were a real shit to me. You treated me like I was less important than his ex wife. I understand that grief does weird things to people. Believe me, I’ve had my share of both grief and weirdness in the past. I know you have as well. I would have, and in fact did, let a lot of things go. Partly because I was still numb with shock, partly because I’m about as non-confrontational as it comes, and partly because there were still things I wanted from you. Despite letting some of the major things go, I am still very angry about others. You refused to let me pick up his wedding ring from the funeral home. You insisted that YOU pick it up and then give it to me. I told you how important it was to me that I get it before the memorial. You waited until a week AFTER the memorial to get it and give it to me. This is only after I called you numerous times and asked about it.  I asked you for a small amount of his ashes. I have yet to receive those. I was HIS FIANCE’!!! You just don’t get that he LOVED ME! You are stubborn stubborn woman. 

I have a lot more to say to you (specifically about Beloved Fiancee's son), but I'll leave it as is for now. In closing I would just like to point out that despite losing your son, you could have gained a daughter in me. I could have been a reminder to you of your sons happiness. It has bonded me and Beautiful Cousin in a way that is stronger than any casual friendship could have. It is unfortunate that you choose to alienate me and Beloved Fiancee's closest friends. We could have shown you who he REALLY was. He was bright, dedicated, beautiful, caring, generous, a wonderful father, a shining light that touched everyone around him. Sadly for you, you have decided to reside in your own denial and shun those who were most important to him...and HOW DARE YOU!

Sincerely,

The Love Of Your Sons Life

Kickin AZZ

I've always been a hard core kinda girl when it come to music. Back in the olden days (aka...the 80's) I what was then known as a "punk" kid. Now I never looked the part mind you. I was WAY too lazy to go through all that work just to look different. I guess in retrospect I was kind of a poser punk kid. Anyway... my point is that while I never looked the part, I LOVED the music. Going to Medusas in Chicago was the absolute HIGHLIGHT of the weekend. I have seen more shows there than I can remember. I moshed with the best of em. ( I was a teen when the slam dancing turning to into moshing era). Dead Kennedys, Sex Pistols, KMFDM, early Violent Femmes...you name it... I loved it. Wax Trax Records was one of my favorite haunts. Again I state....I never looked the punk kid (faaaaaaaarrrr too lazy). Those mohawks didn't spike themselves ya know! The vast majority of my friends however did indeed "look the part".  My parents (bless their souls) were not only completely cool with this, but actually liked the fact that I hung with the creative kids. We stayed out of trouble, we watched out for each other, we were fun and funny to be around, and we often hung at my house which my parents liked.
Even as I entered early adult hood, I stuck to the harder stuff. I was in my late teens to early 20's when grunge hit. STP, Pearl Jam, of course the ubiquitous Nirvana...loved it all. I am, of course, one of the biggest Nine Inch Nails geeks fans around. Rob Zombie, Korn, Linkin Park, etc etc et al.
So when I find myself downloading INDIE rock I feel kinda....squeeiiishhhy inside. I don't do it often mind you, but there are some mellow ass jams out there that I really really like. Now, don't get me wrong, I have always like chill music too (you should see my Pink Floyd collection). Beloved Fiance' introduced me to lots of music I never thought I'd get into. Phish, Tom Rush and John Mayhall just to name a few. But these aren't INDIE rockers. That is just really incredible mellow music.
So this brings me to the INDIE dilemma. It's just so un-cool. NOT that I'm any paradigm of coolness as my teenage daughter will attest to. But when you grow up genuinely loving the cool music, liking to un-cool stuff is just weird. I'm not going to stop downloading music just cause it's dorky. I just need to realize that I am not, nor ever have been one to care about what people think of my music tastes. I like what I like and that's that.