Monday, January 24, 2011

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

ASSWIPE EXTRODINARE

HE IS THE BIGGEST MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE I HAVE EVER MET!!! AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. I feel a little better now. Thank you and good night

Ouch

How is it possible that I have a cut and a good sized lump on the back of my head and have absolutely NO IDEA how I got it? I discovered it while washing my hair this morning (I bathed! yay me!). Now of course it's all I can think about. Perhaps my sleepwalking habit has gotten much worse due to stress?!? I dunno.

Monday, January 10, 2011

I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and she said something interesting that I have been pondering all day. She made the simple statement "you've had a really shitty 4 years". And she's right. A LARGE part of the past 4 years have completely sucked donkey balls. Ex-asshole cheats then proceeds to blame me and verbally, financially and sexually abuse me. I lost a dear dear person to leukemia. He was my best friends son and was only 10. (more on that later). One month after this I FINALLY kicked the ex-asshole out. Got fired from one job one month after kicking ex-asshole out, for being, and I quote "too sad".  Got a new job. Moved out of the marital home so ex-asshole and his girlfriend could move in. Got divorced. Continued to take battering from ex. In December of 2008 I met the love of my life. The ex-asshole BLEW HIS FREAKING LID. Much harassment, battering, and belittling. Court battles. Got laid off from another job for financial reasons. Was unemployed for 10 months. The court battles raged on. FINALLY got some peace. Then my beloved fiance died in my arms 2 days after Thanksgiving. Due to circumstances surrounding his death (more on that later), the ex-asshole decided to try to take the kids away from me. FAILED! I'm kinda bitter.  So yeah...had a really shitty few years.

HOWEVER....in spite of this crappy hand I have been dealt, I try hard not to be the VICTIM. I don't always succeed mind you. And sometimes I fail miserably. But for the most part I'm doing okay. I try daily to remind myself of all the good that has come out of the last 4 years. First and foremost is I have seen the absolute best in humanity. People are so unfailingly kind. I have amazing (AMAZING!!) friends. My support system is strong and unbreakable. People I barely know as well as complete strangers have reached out to me and held me up when I needed it.

My relationship with my kids has changed dramatically because of the situations I find myself in. I think this is a good thing. They have witnessed a lot of hardships in life and have learned how to deal with them. I try very hard to be a good example. I cry when I need to but not to excess. I'm depressed occasionally and happy a lot around them. They know it's okay to not only have emotions but to express them. I think this is very important. Their dad has turned into the "Disneyland dad". Meaning they do fun things together and he spends lots of money on them, but there is no real substance. When they are at his house, they mostly stay in their rooms or watch TV. They don't cuddle or talk to him. They always want to stay with me even though I'm too broke to take them out much. I'm their anchor. I firmly believe this is a direct result of what we have been through together.

One of the most important things I've learned is that while I try not to be the victim, it's okay to ask for help when I need it. This is a very valuable lesson. Like most people, I tried to deal with shit on my own.  This does not work. People want to help. It's a very freeing feeling when you reach the point where you not only accept offers of help, but are able to ask for it when necessary. I think this is a sign of maturity and confidence. Believe me...it took me a LONG time to get here. Part of this has to do with all the incredible people in my life. But it says something about me that I have surrounded myself with such incredible people.

So while I agree with my mom that I have had a shitty 4 years, I have also had a great 4 years for very different reasons. I just need to keep my head up and keep it in perspective.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Good news

Good news! My ex-asshole lost this round. YAY! Finally. I'm CERTAIN he will continue the fight but for now...I'm off to relish my victory.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Vomitsaurus Rex

So the past few weeks, I have ben throwing up every morning. EWWWWW. And for no good reason. No drinking to the point where I should be puking, no excessive eating, I’m not sick (physically anyway. heh) AND OMB NO I’M NOT PREGNANT!!!! And keep in mind that I HAAAAAAATTTTEEEEEEE to puke. I realize 99% of the people out there hate to puke, but I REALLY hate to puke. So much so that when I was a child and struck down with some malady, I would lay perfectly still for hours so as not to erupt. I know, I know, if you just get it out of your body, you’ll feel better. I know this, but still don’t care. Puking is just so....shudder. It’s not necessarily the vomit itself that bothers me. Let’s face it, I have 3 kids and have had numerous pets over the years. I can catch a kids puke in my hands, wash it off, then console said kid. No biggie. I’ve cleaned more vomit off my floors than I care to think about....not my favorite thing to do, but again, not the end of the world. 
I think part of the reason that I so despise it is because I’m in no way, shape, or form a “clean” puker. My son, he’s a champ. Go in, cough once or twice, commence vomiting, flush, wash up and Viola...Done! Part of the reason for this is that he suffered from horrible motion sickness until he was about 11. He got used to throwing up in such an elegant way that we barely even noticed until a puke bag was thrown out at a rest stop. Me...not so much. It goes something like this...
Get clammy
Feel tingly
Wonder why I feel so weird
Immediately think someone spiked my drink
Remember that I haven’t left the house in three days
Wonder why I feel so weird
Start to feel the saliva in my mouth build up
Realize like a hammer in my face what’s about to happen
Say lots of very bad words
Hold very very still
Hope the evil vomit demon from hell will not notice me because I’m so still
No dice
Run to the bathroom
Sweat, moan, say nononononononono, try to make a deal with god
Feel my mouth get all weird feeling
Moan
Start the horrible retching
(I told you I’m not a good puker)
Freak out everyone in my house with all the racket I’m making
Animals run and hide
Wretch for what seems like forever
Finally “there she blows” (heh)
Gasp, pant, moan, cry, shake, rinse, repeat
More moaning, get the chills, more crying, shake shake shake
Crawl to bed, collapse and wish for death to come quickly
I have NO IDEA how these bulimic people do this. So anyway....these past few weeks it’s been a little different. I don’t feel crappy. I’m usually getting ready for work when all of a sudden....BAM! I have to vomit. I do my business, brush teeth and commence my day. It’s weird for me not to be a sweaty, shaking, crying, moaning ball of disaster after throwing up. Not that I’m complaining. I assume it’s all the stress in my life that’s causing this. Hopefully, as time goes on this gross obnoxious part of my morning routine will stop. 

Because puking...SHUDDER

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Rough day

You know what I miss? Coming home to a roaring fire, candles lit, music on, and a glass of wine and an amazing man waiting for me. This was not something he did every once in a great while. He did this all the fucking time. I miss him so much. I'm so angry at him. I forgive him. I want him back. Why did you leave me?
Driving home from work is the hardest thing I do every day.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Death sucks ass


My fiance died.... 1 month and 7 days ago. I’m dealing...kinda. I don’t want this to be a sad, bring you down kinda thing so I’m gonna try really hard for it not to be that (sentence structure!!). But please bear with me. I’ve been reading a lot lately, books, magazines, blogs, cereal boxes, porn sights, etc. I’ve always been a voracious reader, but something has shifted. It’s different. Maybe its being immersed in grief, betrayal and being saddled with the biggest asshole on the earth for an ex husband, I don’t know....something is different. The point is...I’ve considered blogging for a long time. I have a HELL of a story to tell, now just seems like the time to do it. So hold on... I’ll try to keep it in perspective.